By Kaylee Larsen
Characters
FIGURE
GOON 1
GOON 2
DELORIA
SMALL FAT MAN
ANNOUNCER
CONSTANTINE
Act 1
Scene 1
[A tall and dark figure enters, dressed head to toe in black with a single silver ring on their right index finger.]
FIGURE: Hurry up you idiots!
[Two smaller figures, both dressed in formal wear, enter behind the Villain.]
GOON 1: My apologies, your highness. My brother was talking about some ridiculous plan of his. Nothing to concern yourself with.
GOON 2: Hey! If you actually–
GOON 1: Might I say you look quite dangerous this evening. Might I take your cloak?
[The Villain waves Goon 1s’ hands away.]
FIGURE: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s freezing in here.
[The Villain tightens their cloak and walks out to their balcony.]
FIGURE: [to the audience] What are you looking at? Haven’t you seen someone as gorgeous as me? Pathetic, all of you. If you must know I am Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, and rightful heir to the throne.
[Deloria looks at them smugly.]
DELORIA: [Pause.] But you can call me your Highness.
[Deloria extends her hand expecting a kiss.]
GOON 1: If it wasn’t for that rot Deloria, she would be Queen Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, and killer of men.
DELORIA: Quiet, Fool! I will be queen, Queen Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North, the Iron ruler! MUAHAHAHA!
GOON 2: Ha-ha
GOON 1: HAHAHAHAHAA [At the same time]
[A small fat man with a scroll enters.]
SMALL FAT MAN: Here ye, hear ye, King Constantine Joseph Hannibal Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the First, Dragon of the Aisle of Tillian, the Sword slayer, the Diamond Raider, and King of Mercia, requests Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North to attend the birth of the second prince, Prince Quincey James Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the First.
DELORIA: Of course, he summons me to rub his heir in my nose. Get out of my face, peasant.
[Deloria threw a vase at the fat man as he ran out. Goon 1 and 2 close the heavy doors behind him.]
DELORIA: How dare these impediment fools come into my manor and speak.
GOON 2: Maybe we can-
GOON 1: Shall I decline your invitation, your highness?
GOON 2: But-
DELORIA: No…no, maybe we can use this to our advantage.
Scene 2
Place
A room full of finely dressed people being served by a finely dressed waitstaff.
ANNOUNCER: Now presenting Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Ann Ferguson Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North, accompanied by her two servants.
[Deloria walks down the grand staircase.]
DELORIA: Look at all those fools. They will call me Queen Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Ann Ferguson Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North, the Iron ruler!
GOON 2: Your highness, your bro-
GOON 1: Your highness, your brother is attempting to get your attention.
[Constantine waves.]
DELORIA: Look at him on his throne, so high and mighty. I can’t wait to bring him down a notch. Did you know he was a bedwetter? He should not be King.
ANNOUNCER: Here ye, hear ye, gather around to witness the birth of Prince Quincey James Dan Dubious Constance Van Helsingr the First.
DELORIA: This is such a disgusting act. Why would I want to watch this cow covered in gold push out a slimy spawn of my brother?
[Sound of the queen screaming can be heard across the chatter of the room.]
DELORIA: She is so loud. She could’ve had the decency to close her mouth.
[More moans and screams.]
DELORIA: I would never be so loud producing an heir. This is just ridiculous.
[The queen screams some more.]
DELORIA: These theatrics for one little goblin is unnecessary. She’s just doing this for attention.
[The crowd cheers then gasps.]
DELORIA: Oh finally, it’s over.
GOON 2: Your Highness, the ba-
ANNOUNCER: The child is gone!
[Chaos ensues.]
Scene 3
[Party goers are running around the stage with their hands up. Some are crying, some are yelling, and the fat man faints. Deloria is sitting in a chair watching them freak out while goons 1 and 2 are fanning her.]
DELORIA: These imbeciles are not even looking; they’re only running around like a squire without his head.
GOON 1: You are absolutely right, your highness. These pompous, rump-kissing, infantile peasants are nothing more than driveling idiots that couldn’t discern their rears from a rabbit hole.
DELORIA: That’s giving them some competency. I doubt they’d be able to figure out that it’s a rabbit hole. If I was queen, anyone that had less than two brain cells would be beheaded.
GOON 1: But your highness, you wouldn’t have a kingdom.
[Deloria and Goon 1 laugh snarkily.]
GOON 2: Your highness, shou-
DELORIA: This party is becoming so drab. We should shake it up.
[Deloria stands and walks to the center of the room.]
DELORIA: Oh, woe is I. My poor nephew has been taken out from under our noses. How could such a horrendous act occur? Were we not watching the same birth?
[Party goers start blaming one another.]
DELORIA: [To the audience] It’s too easy. With how these imbeciles react to such little drama, my plan is going flawlessly.
GOON 1: [to the audience] To put it simply, we replaced the doctor with one of ours. He hid the child under his coat while everyone was too busy talking to one another. When everyone realized that there was no baby, it was just waiting for everyone to freak out so that we could sneak the little runt out.
DELORIA: What happens after that with the little brat in none of my concern, I just wanted to stir the pot some more. Really rub it in my brother’s face.
CONSTANTINE: Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Ann Ferguson Elizabeth Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North, what have you done?
DELORIA: Why do you assume it was me?
[Constantine gestures to the audience.]
DELORIA: What do they know? Listen, I’m your sister, your flesh and blood. I would never harm a single hair on my family. I find it absolutely preposterous that you would think such a thing. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to get rid of me so there was no one to contest your son for the crown. How dastardly, brother. Here I thought you were a pious man, the golden boy, a child of God!
ANNOUNCER: Your Majesty! The Child has been found! Praise God!
[A child younger than a day is held up for the could to see. Cheers can be heard all around.]
DELORIA: [Panicked] Who says that’s my nephew? How do I know it is not some random child you picked out of the trash?
[The “Doctor” opens his coat and reveals Goon 2.]
GOON 2: It is me! I am sick of being treated like a bug under your foot, woman. I have been the butt of your jokes for long enough. I have betrayed you, Duchess Deloria Dan Dubious Constance Ann Ferguson Elizabeth Alexandria Van Helsingr the Third, Flame of the east, killer of men, Jewel of the North, and I will no longer be-
DELORIA: How dare you, you little imp. You are scum under the earth. I raised you. You are a pathetic waste of my time, and I spit on your family name!
[The guards surround Deloria and take her away. Everyone crowds around the baby, cooing.]
GOON 1: Well, that happened.
GOON 2: Probably could’ve go-
GOON 1: I mean that really got out of hand.
GOON 2: I mean we-
GOON 1: I think we’re unemployed now.
GOON 2: I have-
GOON 1:And we’re probably homeless.
GOON 2: I’m not-
GOON 1: What are we going to do?
[Constantine walks up to the two.]
CONSTANTINE: Young man, thank you so much for thwarting my sinister sister. I owe you my life and the fate of the kingdom. You sir are the finest man I have ever met. A true child of God. I want you to forever be by my son’s side. Allow me to knight you so that you may have a title and lands far past your wildest dreams. What is your name, my young hero?
GOON 2: Bob.
[Goon 1 looks around the now empty room.]
GOON 1: FUCK!